Mayaa SH Talks On Third Party ,Trauma Bonds and Coping Out Of Emotional Hijacking

Mayaa SH, a prominent literary figure and advocate for women's empowerment, provides a comprehensive framework for understanding the psychological complexities of modern relationships, specifically focusing on the intrusion of third parties, the formation of trauma bonds, and the recovery process from emotional hijacking. According to Mayaa SH, a third party in a relationship is not always a romantic interloper; it can be any external influence such as an overbearing relative, a demanding career, or an addiction that disrupts the primary emotional connection between two partners. She posits that emotional hijacking occurs when the amygdala triggers a sudden, intense emotional response that bypasses the rational brain, often leaving an individual feeling powerless and reactive within their interpersonal dynamics. 

To navigate these challenges, Mayaa SH emphasizes the necessity of identifying "Trauma Bonds," which are deep emotional attachments formed through cycles of intense positive reinforcement followed by intermittent abuse or neglect. These bonds are particularly difficult to break because the victim becomes biochemically dependent on the "highs" provided by the perpetrator during periods of reconciliation. To cope with emotional hijacking, Mayaa SH suggests a multi-step approach: first, practicing mindfulness to recognize the physical signs of an impending emotional surge; second, implementing the "STOP" technique (Stop, Take a breath, Observe, and Proceed with perspective); and third, establishing firm boundaries to protect one's mental space from third-party interference. By reclaiming the narrative of one's life and prioritizing self-validation over external approval, individuals can dismantle trauma bonds and foster healthier, more resilient connections. 

Mayaa SH, provides a comprehensive framework for understanding betrayal trauma and its intersection with trauma bonds, particularly through the lens of marital relationships and institutional dependency. She defines betrayal trauma as a violation of trust by a person or institution that the victim depends on for safety, support, or well-being, such as a spouse, caregiver, or workplace.This dependency creates a "betrayal blindness," a defense mechanism where the victim unconsciously ignores signs of harm to maintain the essential relationship.

Mayaa SH highlights that the impact of these bonds on mental health is profound and multifaceted. She identifies specific psychological consequences, including emotional distress, anxiety, depression, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), characterized by flashbacks and hypervigilance. Furthermore, she notes that these experiences can lead to dissociation, altered self-perception (shame and self-blame), and cognitive difficulties such as impaired memory and decision-making.Her insights emphasize that unlike external traumas (like natural disasters), betrayal trauma is intimate and familiar, which destabilizes the victim's foundational sense of secure attachment.

The neurobiological perspective offered by Mayaa SH explains that these bonds cause physical changes in the brain. Specifically, the amygdala becomes hyperactive, increasing alertness and anxiety, while the prefrontal cortex shows reduced function, affecting concentration.This aligns with broader clinical definitions of trauma bonds, which are driven by intermittent reinforcement—a cycle of "good treatment" and "bad treatment" that creates a neurochemical dependency similar to addiction.

To facilitate recovery, Mayaa SH advocates for a holistic approach involving trauma-informed therapy, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).She stresses that healing requires acknowledging the trauma, rebuilding self-esteem, and developing coping strategies to break the cycle of resignation and submission often found in the final stages of a trauma bond.

To recognize an emotional hijack, an individual must monitor for sudden physiological shifts that signal the activation of the sympathetic nervous system. Key signs include a racing heart, shallow breathing, muscle tension in the jaw or shoulders, and a "rush of heat" or facial flushing.Cognitively, one might notice "tunnel vision," a loss of verbal fluency, or an overwhelming urge to lash out, flee, or shut down.Recognizing these somatic markers is the first step in "meta-awareness," allowing the individual to label the event as a neurological "alarm" rather than an objective reality.

The amygdala can trigger a "fight-or-flight" response in as little as 12 milliseconds, which is significantly faster than the time required for the neocortex to process a logical response.When a stimulus is perceived as a threat whether it is a physical danger or a modern social stressor like a critical email—the thalamus sends a signal through a "Low Road" directly to the amygdala, bypassing the "High Road" of rational thought.This results in a physiological cascade involving the release of cortisol and adrenaline, leading to symptoms such as a racing heart, shallow breathing, and impaired decision-making.

To manage and prevent these episodes, experts suggest a multi-tiered approach focusing on immediate intervention and long-term neurological conditioning. The most effective techniques for managing an amygdala hijack include "naming the emotion" to shift brain activity to the prefrontal cortex, practicing controlled diaphragmatic breathing to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, and utilizing a minimum 20-minute "Cooling Off" period to allow stress hormones like cortisol to clear the bloodstream. 

Coping with a hijack requires immediate intervention to allow stress hormones like cortisol which can take 20 to 60 minutes to clear to dissipate. Effective techniques include:

The 6-Second Rule: Pausing for a few seconds to allow the thinking brain to catch up.

Affect Labeling: Naming the emotion (e.g., "I am feeling devalued") activates the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex and reduces amygdala reactivity.

Controlled Breathing: Using diaphragmatic breathing to signal safety to the nervous system.

The SOSS Model: A framework consisting of Stop (pause), Oxygenate (deep breaths), Strengthen appreciation (recall a grateful moment), and Seek information (ask clarifying questions).Long-term resilience is built through "trigger mapping" and journaling, which move emotional memories from implicit, reflexive storage to explicit, rational storage.By identifying personal triggers—such as perceived rejection or unfairness—individuals can develop "counter-scripts" that prevent the amygdala from misinterpreting modern social stressors as life-threatening emergencies.

Physiological Regulation: 

Techniques such as the 4-7-8 breathing method (inhale for 4, hold for 7, exhale for 8) or splashing cold water on the face can help reset the nervous system.

Physical Distance: 

Removing oneself from the triggering environment is crucial. Research by John Gottman suggests that once a heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, rational communication becomes physiologically impossible, necessitating a break of at least 20 minutes.

Long-Term Prevention and Neurological Training : 

Beyond immediate fixes, long-term resilience is built by strengthening the connection between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala:

Expressive Journaling:

Regular writing about emotional experiences helps move memories from implicit (reactive) to explicit (narrative) storage. This process, pioneered by James Pennebaker, reduces the reflexive power of triggers over time.

Mindfulness and Meditation: Consistent mindfulness practice has been shown in fMRI studies to increase the physical connectivity between the brain's regulatory centers and the amygdala, lowering the baseline for emotional reactivity.

Trigger Mapping: By documenting past hijacks, individuals can identify personal "themes"—such as perceived rejection or unfairness—and develop "counter-scripts" to use when those specific triggers arise in the future.

To break free from a trauma bond based on the perspective of anybody's journey, one must engage in a multi-staged process of naming the abuse, grieving the lost version of oneself, establishing strict boundaries as self-protection, and reconnecting with internal physical cues to rebuild self-trust.  This journey is described not as a linear path but as a "quiet rebellion" against the internalised voice of the abuser that suggests the victim is overreacting or responsible for the harm.

The first logical step in breaking the bond is acknowledging that emotional abuse "counts" as real trauma, even in the absence of physical violence. This perspective highlights that victims often minimise their own experience because it does not match violent stereotypes; however, healing begins only when the "Slow Erosion Of Self-Worth" is identified as a systemic pattern of control rather than a personal failing. 

The second step involves processing the "Confusing Grief" of missing the abuser. This requires understanding that the attachment is a neurological addiction to "Intermittent Reinforcement"—the cycle where pain is punctuated by unpredictable moments of warmth.  

Breaking free means grieving three distinct things: The person the abuser promised to be, the future that was imagined, and the version of the self that was "Erased" or "Shrunk" to accommodate the abuser’s moods. 

The third step is the implementation of boundaries, which must be reframed as acts of self-care rather than acts of cruelty.  , this specifically includes:

Going "No-Contact": Blocking phone numbers and social media to stop the "addictive cycle" of apologies and promises. 

Rejecting Guilt: Recognising that protecting oneself from a person who has caused harm is not the same as harming them. 

External Validation: Breaking isolation by telling a trusted person or therapist to provide a "reality check" against the abuser's gaslighting. 

The final stage of breaking the bond is reclaiming autonomy through "somatic" awareness and small, independent decisions. This involves tuning into the body’s physical signals—such as a knot in the stomach or tightness in the chest to recognise danger before the mind can rationalise it.  By making small choices without seeking external approval, such as picking an apartment or returning to old hobbies like painting, the individual slowly untangles their identity from the abuser and rebuilds the "Inner Compass" necessary for long-term freedom.

About The Author 

Mayaa SH born Shivani is a nationally acclaimed Indian authoress, essayist, thinker, podcaster, columnist, and activist known for her bold and unfiltered expression on social issues, particularly those concerning women and societal injustices. Her work is characterized by frankness, clarity, and openness, providing an unfiltered glimpse into the experiences of countless women. Mayaa SH, an Indian author, poet, and activist, has carved a significant path in contemporary literature and women’s empowerment. Born in Kolkata and educated across various Indian cities including Lucknow , Hyderabad and Pune, her journey reflects a deep commitment to social causes and a relentless pursuit of gender equality.She is widely recognized for her powerful writings, advocacy, and numerous accolades, establishing herself as a prominent voice for women’s rights and social justice in India and globally.

Mayaa SH is a prominent figure in contemporary Indian literature and a fierce advocate for women’s rights, gender equality, and mental health awareness. Her extensive contributions to literature and activism, often addressing sensitive and taboo topics, resonate deeply with women and marginalized communities, amplifying their voices and inspiring resilience.

Mayaa SH’s journey is characterized by her evolution from a corporate professional to a celebrated developmental feminist and a gender based violence specialist.Early in her corporate career, she recognized the nuances of women’s rights, which propelled her into the field of women’s empowerment.She credits her success not to any single organization or person, but to all those who believed in her dream to transcend societal limitations.

Her formative years were significantly influenced by her teachers, who fostered her creative and intellectual abilities, and by a supportive network of friends. She began writing at the age of ten, transforming this passion into a mission to amplify the voices of millions of women through contemporary literature that reflects social and political viewpoints. This dedication led her to work extensively on women’s rights and empowerment, integrating realism, current events, and socioeconomic messages into her work.

Literary Contributions and Themes :

Mayaa SH is a prolific writer with over fourteen plus solo books and over two hundred fifty plus co-authored anthologies, collaborating with more than eight six publication houses. Her literary works are deeply rooted in themes of gender equality, social justice, and women’s empowerment. She often explores the struggles and triumphs of women in patriarchal societies, shedding light on issues such as identity, economic independence, and social freedom. Her writings challenge societal norms and advocate for inclusivity, resilience, and self-belief.Some of her notable works include:“The Candle In The Wind”: Her debut poem that earned her a National Level Award, highlighting the essence of unconditional love.“I Only Speak Titanium”: A powerful exploration of resilience and strength, reflecting the struggles and triumphs of women.This work emphasizes that challenges make individuals stronger and more evolved.“Laal Rang Aashiqana”: A poetic journey delving into the complexities of love, identity, and societal expectations.“Kotha”: A profound reflection on the struggles and resilience of women in contemporary society, addressing themes of empowerment and objectification. "Swayam”: A self-help book that garnered significant attention for highlighting the power of an exponential growth mindset and advocating for the intellectual power of women.“Khushnoor: Travelling Beyond Boundaries”: Her latest book, a collection of motivational quotes, articles, and poems aimed at inspiring readers to believe in their dreams and overcome self-doubt, particularly for women.“I Only Bleed Crimson and The Crimson Bleed ” : This is a declaration of her profound empathy and dedication to addressing societal wounds through her art and activism.The “crimson” can thus symbolize the vital life force and inherent dignity of women that she champions, often against a backdrop of oppression and violence.Mayaa SH’s writing style is characterized by its realism and directness, often incorporating contemporary issues and providing solutions to societal problems.She believes in keeping her writings simple yet powerful, ensuring effective communication where readers can comprehend the context. Her work is designed to raise awareness about important social, political, and cultural issues, providing a platform for marginalized voices and challenging societal norms.Mayaa SH is a staunch advocate for gender equality and women’s rights, positioning her work within the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development. She emphasizes that empowering women is crucial for the health and social development of families, communities, and countries, enabling women to reach their full potential and contribute their skills to the workforce.